Thanksgiving this year was a small one, but overall was very nice. Travis joined us this year and we has a nice dinner. Chrissy, Carey's sister still hates my guts and most likely for a very long time. If I ever get around to it I may post her messages of hate mail on here to look back on it. I am done with her, I think I have been for awhile. I am getting more in touch with my family, my cousin Amber is having a baby and I can't wait even though I don't really like kids it will be fun to see her child grow up and teach it how to start trouble just like me and her use to do in the good old days. Heidi is getting married to Zack, lucky girl because everyone likes him and he is just overall awesome. Mamie and everyone keeps in touch with me, so I am happy. Lumpy will be coming back home for the holiday of christmas and new years and of course there will be a huge party. Lumpy's mom also gave our family a great gift, a much needed one at that. Kimberly plans to get be back in Dayton for maybe a few days to see all of my old friends. I can't wait to see Brad, kelsey and Tommy and I am very much looking forward to it. My buddy Redneck may be visiting me as well cause he is the next state over from ohio.
So theres been alot of bad things, but also alot of good things and I am staying strong and taking friend's advice. I don't hang around Deedz and the rest of the gang anymore, just kinda fell out of their group. We are still friends but I am in no hurry to see them again. Too much drama, their entire circle of friends is falling apart as I have wrote about in pass blogs. Melt some really good people on Xbox live who can't get enough of me being an asshole, and always gets pissed when Nick kicks me off because they need my skill lol. Nick is still a goof ball, always will be with him doing "lets plays" and hosting game night. He is all for the video games. Infact just last sunday it was a special night, the Teaminguiders vs the Horsemen. The Teaminguiders have Nick, Travis, Andrew, Tyler, Caboose, Robbie and Kia. The Horsemen are Me, John, Timmy and Parsons. Sadly Timmy wasn't able to make it, but the three of us murdered the guiders' team. It was no surrprise considering we are all very competitive when it comes to Smash, Halo and Gears. Well I am hoping things keep getting better, last month was a very rough one and we could use a good one right about now. Also first day of snow was I believe yesterday/day for us over here. Wel again thanks for reading, hope everyone enjoys their holidays.
I am overall happy for Carey and Parsons, I was there for them when they needed me the most. When they were falling apart I gave them the advice they wanted to hear, and I was there for them. So many people are waiting for Carey to move on, they either bring up how bad Parsons is, and sadly I disagree. I support Parsons regardless, knowing that some of the stuff he does is wrong. I am there for my closest friends since I have lost so many. I am the one who broke everthing, and I pulled away from everyone in hopes to slow down but all that does it hurts. Aside from that, times are hard right now for everyone. Mom indeed lost her job and looking for a new one. And heres some good news, I too have been job looking. I have a place that may hire me due to the fact I have helped them out and know the people working there. I want to work full time if I get it so I can make the money needed to support the house hold and help mom stay strong and on top of that distract myself. Focusing on something like a job is what I need. Hopefully it will make me better and what I do. Wish me luck to whoever reads this, if anyone does reads this.
Love Fails.
I already know how bad I fucked up my relationship with Jordan, in the end I proved to be the weak one and on top of that broke her heart. I still sometimes get that in my dreams, and I am reminded of her everyday. It is so hard to not think about her, but I know I need to stop. For awhile I was able to distract myself, making new friends, looking for a new job, partying and whatever. But what has it all gotten me? No way, I failed at getting a new job, these new friends I speak of, well let's just say I miss the old ones. One of the reason why me and Parsons went to go visit John in Athens. But that hurt as well, we passed Columbus. Then went passed Hocking Hills and on top of that there was no many boring sights. It is bums-ville out there with nothing to do. Me and Parsons were lucky if we found Little Ceasars even, we love the Hot 'n' Readies. I talked but my friend and for a couple weeks I became someone I didn't like. Since then I have slowed down. But heres what this topic is mainly about. Carey and Parsons. While sitting down with Carey at lunch time, I was reminded of Jordan. I listened to her because it reminded me of how stupid I was, and that Jake was making the same damn decisions.
He acted so childish, and I tired to see his side but ultimately I thought he was nothing more than a child. He loss something grand. He hasn't realized it yet but he has. Carey loves him, and she was doing so many nice things that I would have loved if someone did for me. But he didn't even care it seemed. Was he loosing interest that fast? Regardless he should have been up front because he hurt her yet again. She never learns and I thought she was immature at one time. She has actually grown up some. What bothers me the most is he has had so MANY chances. She keeps on forgiving him, and re-dating him. She even gave up James for him, and she would even taker him back again? What is this? I don't understand it. Maybe because I am a bit jealous that she has given me so many chances, break up, make up, break up, make up. I mean I wouldn't be that extreme, but don't see why he never tries. Sure he has done nice things for her, and I know deep down pass the jackass/emotional part Jake is a good guy. I just can't get over the fact how he is acting right now. I tried to talk to him today, and of course got nothing out of him. Maybe because he knows I talk to Carey still. But it seems all the relationships everyone thought would be strong and last forever don't. I am not saying Jake's and Carey's were one of them....But I know other relationships that should have never ended....
Sadly, I see a theme in all of them. Guys, we all make so many stupid decisions including myself. This one couple, dated for years and everything and she was giving him everything. What happens, bam cheated. I won't mention names on that one. I tried to ask what the story was on that one as well, of course no answers. Even thought I really didn't care for her, and didn't really know him. I still thought they would end up together longer than anyone I know. I know Maumee is never a place for relationships, they are almost destined to fail everytime because it's Maumee and drama and we have nothing but skanks and whores running around. I just don't see how anyone deals with it anymore. It's all the same shit that everyone has gone through for years. Being a small town and everything, you should know the outcome if you are going to date someone like that. Well I am done with this topic, it is a depressing one. Hopefully I write about something more interesting or hopefully before I post this crap.
Okay now for the "I really screwed up today" post. I found out, Mom maybe loosing her job. Nick's hours has been cut, and on top of that I finder bender someone. I have never crashed into another car other than the time I accidently hit Kelly's car with Jordan's car. But this time it was much worst, it was someone I didn't know and bad weather was at play. I was on my way taking Timmy and some random chick home. She isn't important but she was there. It was raining pretty bad, and there was a red light. Nothing hard, just stop right? I wish that is what happened. I slow down, and then press on the brake. The fucking brakes didn't work because the brakes locked up. I was hitting the brakes softly because I was slowing down, but because of the water and that the brakes were wet, the van wasn't stopping. So I had to slam them instead when I realized this and thats when they locked up, making the Van slide right into the back of the car in front. Lucky for me nothing was damaged or anything on the car and no one was hurt. But I did scratch up the van's front pretty back, and on top of that got a ticket. O that isn't bad, just pay it off. Read the first couple sentences of this paragraph. We don't have money to spare on a ticket that i don't even know the cost of. On top of that I have a point on my license. I know it isn't that bad, but it certainly didn't make the day any better. I am never allowed to use the van again, mom will never trust me. Just, I never was a good driver. I always made myself think I was, but I know I am not.
Okay, something good. Still looking for a job, had three dinners tonight. Had a good time at Taylor's and at the same time pissed her off doing tag team with Parsons. Played a little bit of Gears of War 2 and to top it off had a good conversation with Carey and some fun filled things to do over the weekends. Well i am off, I keep falling asleep at the computer because as usual I have been up for days and late nights. I typed this at 4:18 am. So if it seems like I am not making sense and loose track of the subjects and have a bunch of misspellings and whatnot. Thats why. Good night/morning and thanks for reading.
Lately, I haven't been doing much. I have been trying to slow down, but it is harder than it looks. I may have done some damage to my foot so I have to see the doctor on that one. I didn't have to go to Jury duty either because the place didn't need any at the time so I was lucky. I don't have a job yet so instead I rake leaves for money and whatnot. I avoid anything that is drama other than mom and nick because I am forced to put up with them. I saw Chrissy but that was a short lived conversation. All she could talk about was this poor dude named Adam that she is getting married to. For someone who has become a 'boy hater' she sure as hell knows how to show it. We didn't talk at all, I got a better conversation out of her dad and mom than her. When I left I was angry because I couldn't blame her for hating me. Deep down inside I hate myself as well, I hate my decisions and I hate how I am starting to become a person I don't like. Her Dad helped point me in the right direction for jobs, but I need to still make a few phone calls to a few people and update my resume again.
Chrissy has become a loner now, she even hates Carey her sister for being with my friend Parsons. Infact, I think that whole family is rolling down hill. Her mom acts like nothing is wrong, and god will take good care of them and their problems. She has become such a pack rat that the house is has no room for any of them who live there as well and on top of that may be depressed. Her Dad, I think he is looney now. I have never seen Corey talk to himself in a baby voice before. He was in the military and has always been the strong one of the family. He holds the income, and keeps things inline. He was always smart as well, and knew how to handle things. But now, he comes off to be as someone who is going crazy. Boo is into drugs, and hangs out with the most stupid people I have ever seen, Their logic and everything is retarded and they have him becoming someone he is not. Carey, what can I say about Carey, she is with one of my best friends. But like Chrissy, she needs her freedom as well. She is still immature and everything though. I dunno, the family has gone down hill so far since I remember them from the old days.
It seems like Chrissy also wants disconnection, all she does is work and talk to adam online. She can't wait to leave again and I know that for a fact. Sometimes I wish I could leave, I am prepared to move if the job calls for it. I missed living on my own, but this time I want to pay for most of my shit. I want freedom, and I want space. I need it like everyone else.
This weekend I am looking forward to it, I am going to Athens Ohio to visit my good friend John. Lumpy was a bit upset to find out I would visit him over Lumpy but lumpy also lives states away. John is also providing party, food and a good time. It will be just me and Parsons going, which is good cuz it means I steal him away from Carey a weekend. I am looking forward to it as well. Other than that, not much else to talk about. I am pretty boring right now because I am trying to stay distracted. I have been dreaming bad dreams, I am constantly reminded of shit I regret and everything. I wake up and jump on Halo live to forget about it, hoping that my online friends are online to play. They usually are and it is fun and interesting. They all are jealous of my skill. I got Recon armor, which isn't easy to come by. You have to do seven difficult challenges to get it. Six of them were no problem, but the Endure was a bitch. My friends are from Scottland, England, and Mexico. Along with some from America of course. But they talk about whats over there and I am even starting to pick up on some of their language. It is very interesting and funny at the same time when all of them come together.
I am also going through withdraw, really bad withdraw on a number of things. I won't go into detail but one of them is of course Smash bros. Someone found it funny to steal my memory and my gamecube doesn't work so now I have no Smash and on top of that Lumpy isn't in town and no one happens to own the fucking game!
Before I left for college, I had this one group of friends. Each of them close to me, all of them good friends. Ariel, Kuhman, Deedz and of course Bailey. I thought nothing could come between these four people because they were so close. Just like people thought nothing could come between me and Jordan. I leave for three years, come back to shattering friendships. It started with Bailey and Deedz, the two of them were best friends like Kuhman and Ariel were. But apparently things were falling apart during the year I was in college. I know a bit of information that helped escalated this issue and broke the two's friendship but I will not post it on here. What I will say is Deedz was "sick of being in bailey's shadow". Ever since then, it was going down hill and when they finally stopped being friends they want nothing to do with each other. Leaving Kuhman and Ariel stuck in the middle, along with me when I came home from college.
Anyways, Bailey would talk to me and Ariel and Kuhamn saying she was "over it" but I don't think she was considering she was still trying to hold communication with Deedz. Deedz of course wasn't amused and would never reply. Deedz is one of the most stubborn people I know, once she has made her decision she almost never goes back on it. It takes forever to get over things with her while with Bailey, usually she will forgive but not forget. Later on after this whole issue, I end up being dragged in to it. Deedz later on wants nothing to do with me. To keep the story short, it was because of some issues with me and Bailey that made Deedz feel as if she was betrayed. Ironically, I was closer to Bailey and Deedz, but as things go on, i have become closer to Kuhman and Ariel. The two of them have been in the middle for the longest time, but they are beginning to pull away from both Deedz and Bailey I feel. Theres a new four now, Ariel, Kuhman, Me and Stucker. Stucker is the other steve who has become close to Ariel and Kuhman.
I haven't gone into much detail due to this being a touchy subject but I wanted to write about since this has been on my mind for awhile.
So me and Jordan had a good 6 and a half hour talk on the phone early in the morning. I won't say it was bad because it wasn't. It was actually a really good talk considering we haven't talk to each other aside from blogs and hidden communication since everything happened which was a month ago. The break up, and everything is beginning to settle with both of us and even though I have some regret I will keep moving on. It's better for the both of us and I am happy to get to hear her voice. We haven't had such a good talk since I don't know when, but it was fitting since it could be very well be our last. No more blogs and no more hidden communication, mainly the point of the talk. I hope she does well for herself and i hope we do end up becoming friends some time in the future, but who knows at this point.
COMPLICATED SUNDAY
So that was the beginning of the Sunday, for me that was starting out good. The night before I went out and learned Salsa Dancing and had a blast and even on Friday it was a good night. But after talking on the phone I get ready and pretty up to go to Bailey's Great Grandma's party. What can I say it was a good party and at some parts I was alone left to think on some things. But I met some new people and even talked to some important people to her. I can't how many old people there was, but I manage to get use to it. I had alot of nice compliments on my looks and hair of course. I helped up with cleaning up and serving dishes and pop stuff. Talked to her Dad, her Anut and everything. Played pool, cards and everything, talked to Shallon and eat alot of food and they even took me to a fancy sea food place where before i had swordfish but that night i had Salmon. After all of this, it begins to get complicated. Lately I have felt like I have betrayed some friends, and I have very much have. Namely the ones close to me, like Ariel. I have had my heartache and it seems to not go away and on top of that my head is spinning from too much thinking. I go to bowling, breaking promises and not having a fun night. I have a long talk with Bailey, can't say it was bad, it was actually very interesting. But I can't help but think in my point of view everything is falling apart. Example, Me, Bailey, Kuhman, Ariel and Deedz use to all be in one big group of friends but that group is slowing falling apart. Deedz wants nothing to do with her Ex best friend Bailey and on top of that Deedz still isn't over the events that happened when I came back into town dealing with me. Ariel is hurt by my actions and it just comes down to this, we are falling apart and I keep messing up. I need to find a job, I keep putting that off and I don't even know why....well I do. It's because I am having too much fun on my free time but I wish I had a job so it would steal me away from all of this, make me grow up and give me something to do.
I am looking forward to some more salsa dancing this weekend, I am not sure if that is a go yet but lets hope. And Maybe a football and another try at bowling. Well lets hope things turn out better and things solve one another. I need some rest, later reader(s).
I have nothing left to give
I have found the perfect end
You were made to make it hurt
Disappear into the dirt
Carry me to heaven's arms
Light the way and let me go
Take the time to take my breath
I will end where I began
And I will find the enemy whithin
Because I can feel it crawl beneath my skin
Dear Agony
Just let go of me
Suffer slowly
Is this the way it's got to be?
Dear Agony
Dear Agony
Just let go of me
Suffer slowly
Is this the way it's got to be?
Don't bury me
Faceless enemy
I'm so sorry
Is this the way it's gotta be?
Dear Agony
Suddenly
The lights go out
Let forever
Drag me down
I will fight for one last breath
I will fight until the end
And I will find the enemy within
Because I can feel it crawl beneath my skin
Dear Agony
Just let go of me
Suffer slowly
Is this the way it's got to be?
Don't bury me
Faceless enemy
I'm so sorry
Is this the way it's gotta be?
Dear Agony
Leave me alone
God let me go
I'm blue and cold
Black sky will burn
Love pull me down
Hate lift me up
Just turn around
There's nothing left
Somewhere far beyond this world
I feel nothing anymore
Dear Agony
Just let go of me
Suffer slowly
Is this the way it's got to be?
Don't bury me
Faceless enemy
I'm so sorry
Is this the way it's gotta be?
Dear Agony
I feel nothing anymore
I remember it was so bad I tried to run from it and get ahold of Devin lol and partly because he was in the dream as well. I am thinking I wanna put my dream on here but then again I don't. I remember it pretty well considering it pissed me off so much. Again I went to bed angry. Okay I write about it, so it starts off with me somehow stranded in Dayton/Englewood or I came back to visit some friends either or works I don't remember why i was really back or how I got there I was just there. And I got a call from Jordan, of course I answer it and she invites me over, without thinking about it I 'teleport' over to her front door and knock on it. She lets me in and it's her mom's house even though he doesn't look like her house or how I remembered it. So maybe in this dream Jordan and her mom had moved into a new house. But anyways no one is home, not even her little brother Alex or her sister Kelly.
We of course begin talking and it's okay at first, but then she starts randomly bring up stuff that would purpose attempt to take a cheap shot. I hate cheap shots, even though I sometimes do them myself. But anyways, this goes on for hours, and theres some stuff that happens within that time limit that was very mean on her part when I was trying to see positive. She then gets cereal and goes up stairs where I follow her, stupid me in the dream is a glutton for punishment because if it was me me, I would have left before the shit got bad and hit the roof. So we are still talking and I remember I was also super hungry, so I ask for some cereal being dumb me and of course a cruel mean comment back. Then some random guy shows up and hes her little bitch, because he does everything she says, or I assume by the way he is introduced in the story. He was wearing red, and trying to be funny but he wasn't, he was more of a smartass, and he wasn't good looking. I remember she is quickly bothered by him and sends him downstairs for something, but he stumbles down there quicker than a rabbit running from a wolf.
II ask her if that her new boyfriend, she says no, but I imagine they are dating because the way they had hold hands and stuff. I think it was because he was kinda like me but I remember I compared myself to him, and of course he looses and is a fail. And he was a bit fat too. But after he leaves, shit is brought up with Jordan, and it's her voice and words that is just so mean, I couldn't believe some of the stuff coming out of her mouth. Sometime through all of this, Devin calls me but of course I dont answer to give my full attention to Jordan. But I finally convince myself that hey, fuck this shit why am I here I should be else were. So I look at her and in the middle of talking I go "I am leaving, goodbye" and I start walking down stairs, heres where it gets even more stupid! I don't leave, because she wants to talks some more, but through the talking she is a bit nicer, but while she is talking I keep trying to get ahold of Devin, he never picks up the entire time I am trying to reach him, it gets so bad I am literally tearing my phone apart, frame and all. So I eventually loose my phone lol now if it wasn't me who's phone was torn apart it would have been so funny, its funny to me now knowing it was a dream but in the dream it pisses me off greatly knowing I can't call anyone to help me or get ahold of Devin.
So I again say goodbye, she may or may not have hit me, and heres how it ends. I don't walk out of the house and leave like I wanted to. No, the cherry on top has to happen. Her mom drivers up in the driveway! In the dream in my head I remember thinking it is going to be a shit storm and I am right in the fucking middle. So her mom walks up, opens the door, now trapping me inside and begins to look at me. I am thinking and hoping she is going to be mad enough to just throw me out. No she also jumps into the mix, now I got Jordan and her mom, lucky for me it didn't last long enough for Kelly to jump in. But she starts bring up court shit and other stuff that didn't happen or that could happen and everything and then tells me to get out or the cops will be there in a heartbeat and that kind of stuff. I am more than happy to leave, but as I walk by her she says "Ugh what a fag." Now correct me if I am wrong, but that is not the vocab of her mom? Or I assume it's not, so heres where the dream ends. I am walking off on my alone, to in coming traffic for all I care and I wake up looking up at Nick who has just said "Ugh what a fag." I was so mad and yet so thankful it was him. If it wasn't him, with how angry I was, I would have punched that person as hard as I could.
Nick then leaves to go to work, with mom of course trying to talk to him but like me he has grown tired of listening to her. I don't blame the kid. But here I am typing all of this stuff and in a better mood since I got that out of my system. It sure is cold here though, I should have stayed in bed lol. So far this is the weirdest dream I have had so far, I meant to write about the other ones too but I can't remember them in this time of morning. It actually isn't morning its like after noon. But now to end on a good note, last night was amazing. I hung out with Parsons, Stephanie, Taylor, Kia, Ariel, and Kuhman for a big awaited match! Thats right Smash Bros! A few weeks to a month ago I promised Kuhman that if he beat me, I would strip down naked and dance for him. With him being a homo, he jumps on this deal like hotcakes. Last night that time had finally come, as everyone showed up to see me and Kuhman fight it out. Parsons was going "Omg this is going to suck if you loose" and I remember thinking the same thing when i found out Kuhman actually had been playing smash longer than I thought he had.
We went to Taylor's house and me and Kuhman had our match and even a couple rematches. Try as he might, he couldn't win, no surprise there considering it's my main game I play. The only one who can come close is my best friend Lumpy. Tommy is pretty good, so is my brother and Parsons, but when it comes down to it, only Lumpy can beat me and I am the only one who can beat him. Stephanie was playing it as well and Parsons eventually jumped in. Stephanie did pretty well, and I realized it had been a long while since I have picked up a cube controller to play the game. Stephanie wants to get better so I plan on showing her how to be better, as does Parsons. And since me and Parsons have been playing it so long, we know just about everything this is to know about that game. So we will be playing it alot more, hopefully I get back in my prime before Lumpy gets back into town and Stephanie will also be better. She is very interested in this game which makes me very happy. I also attempted to show Kia how to play Gears but she is more Halo than anything else.
Anyways after all the games, we left Taylor's house and I ate my prize for beating Kuhman which was Crab Ragoon, we went to Meijers where we played some funs games including hide and seek. I was the hardest one to fine considering ti took everyone looking around one certain area. Stephanie eventually found me. After that we pretty much all went home. I came home and played Gears with Nick for a bit before he went to bed and I was in such a good mood. Then BAM! Mom enters the mom and here is the missing puzzle piece as to why I went to bed angry. She won't stop talking to me, and she was being so stupid, and more crazier than usual. She is mad that I never take her side, and I even told her myself I won't take her side. Her side is stupid and dramatic and pointless. But then again she has lived in Maumee. I refuse to get involved with her issues, because I don't care and since she is what I like to think of as a "common enemy" among a few people, I am not going to help her, especially since she disrespected a few of my friends a few nights before. Even if they are the nicest people, if they are friends with Parsons, she hates them. She wants me and Travis to be at Game night Sunday. We both told her "The fuck with that." because we have other plans, Travis wants to see the girl he likes and doesn't wanna deal with her or her bullshit either. And I am doing something to do thats better than Game night as well.
But enough about mom, I said I would end on a good note. So I will, I talked to Lumpy and he had a bunch of jokes for me. They cheered me up and it was nice talking to my best friend. Well I am done typing and off to enjoy the new day. Hope you do the same.
Afterwards I met up with one of my closest friends, Timmy. Timmy is apart of me and Lumpy's group of friends. Hes been living in Washington for the longest time during the time I went to college. We stay up all night playing Halo, but it was so much fun. We actually found a good team(5) and were able to kill every other team in our way. I of course took charge with the Spartan Laser and had most of the kills in some matches and had some of the best kills. We would rewatch them because some of them were so funny. One of them Timmy was sniping and out of nowhere theres this massive explosion right in front of him. Thats because I was blew up a Mongoose and the person riding it from across the stage and it landed right in front of Timmy. He was a bit shaken up. There was this one time where I was sent it, because it's my job on the team is to run in and take out as much as possible and with my rank being "Corporal" which means "Head of the body (of solders)" or can also mean bodyguard I was a beast at my job. I took out the entire team by myself! I was also master of land vehicles, so I took control of the Warthog and drove around with a gunner. That was so much fun splattering people and dragging their bodies across the stage before blowing up.
I don't remember what I did Saturday, but I know I hung out with Brandon and Timmy again. I also saw Mike that day too. I pulled another all nighter before running in the Race for the Cure event. That was so much fun, it was more than just exercise and I did it with Lumpy's mom and her boyfriend Steve. It was pretty funny how we would trash talk to see who would finish first, turns out me and Steve tied, but he barely was next to me. Afterwards, got a free T-shirt and went to a coffee place to get a well deserved smoothie after the race. After that I went home and slept, catching up on some missing Z's. Then I woke up, hung out with Parsons, Taylor, Stephanie and Chris where we went laser tagging and Bowling. Sadly Stephanie was a beast at all of these. She beat me at bowling, and beat me and Parsons at Laser tagging. Only because we didn't follow directions and shot up in the bases, if the battle was on how many times Taylor and Stephanie got shot, we would have won for sure. We shot them alot more than they shot us. We also got to visit Colleen and go to Taco Bell where I got to try the new volcano sauce. So it was a very good day Sunday.
The only part I didn't like was coming home, I hate being home. Mom is there, and then theres game night so its all chaos. But I did get to play more Gears, I really like that game. I haven't played Smash in so long, I think it is getting to me. I talked to Parsons and them and we might start playing it again. I just need to find time to hook up my Cube lol. Well I kinda rushed through this because I have to get going. Til next time.
Heres another Three Days Grace song I have been listening, I really do like their new album alot. Its all I have been listening to since I got the damn thing. It doesn't relate or anything to this blog but its a good song in my opinion. Its my second favorite song on the album next to Break!
The good life is what I need
Too many people stepping over me
The only thing that's been on my mind
The one thing I need before I die
All I want
Is a little of the good life
All I need
Is to have a good time
The good life
All I want
is a little of the good life
All I need
Is to have a good time
The good life
(the good life)
I don't really know who I am
It's time for me to take a stand
I need a change and I need it fast
I know that any day could be the last
All I want
Is a little of the good life
All I need
Is to have a good time
The good life
All I want
is a little of the good life
All I need
Is to have a good time
The good life
Hold on, hold on
I always wanted it this way
(you never wanted it this way)
Hold on, hold on
I always wanted this way
(you didn't ask for it this way)
I always wanted it this way
(the good life)
All I want
Is a little of the good life
All I need
Is to have a good time
The good life
All I want
is a little of the good life
All I need
Is to have a good time
The good life
(the good life)
Cold Turkey is probably better than what I'm doing to myself."
I read your blog today, I was a bit concerned. This was directed towards me, because I am the only one who apparently can read it. I am sorry if this is doing more harm than good. Is it that I haven't been writing in livejournal lately or that you been overthinking and think this is becoming a bad idea? I am sorry I haven't been writing, I really am, I will start writing more. What are the hurtful hopes? I don't even know if this is about me anymore, I just feel like it is. I want to message you so bad but I figured that was bad considering you said you only wanted to talk through blogs. I haven't gotten a chance to watch your movie yet but I really want to considering one Jim Carry stars in it. And from what I read its a good movie. But anyways, I hope things are better and you have a wonderful day Jordan.
Heres another song I have been listening to alot, another by Three Days Grace.
Every street in this city
is the same to me
Everyone's got a place to be
but there's no room for me
Am i to blame?
When the guilt and the shame hang over me
Like a dark cloud,
That chases you down in the pouring rain.
It's so hard to find someone
who cares about you,
but it's easy enough to find someone
who looks down on you
Why is it so hard to find someone
who cares about you ?
When it's easy enough to find someone
who looks down on you
It's not what it seems
when you're not on the scene
There's a chill in the air
But there's people like me
That nobody sees so nobody cares
Why is it so hard to find someone
who cares about you ?
When it's easy enough to find someone
who looks down on you
Why is it so hard to find someone
who can keep it together
when you've come undone ?
Why is it so hard to find someone
who cares about you ?
I swear this time it won't turn out
the same 'cause now I've got myself to blame
And you'll know where we'll end up
on the streets that is easy enough
to find someone who looks down on you
Why is it so hard to find someone
who cares about you ?
When it's easy enough to find someone
who looks down on you
Why is it so hard to find someone
who can keep it together
when you've come undone ?
Why is it so hard to find someone
who cares about you ?
Tonight my head is spinning
I need something to pick me up
I've tried but nothing is working
I won't stop, I won't say I've had enough
Tonight I start the fire
Tonight I break away
Break away from everybody
Break away from everything
If you can't stand the way this place is
Take yourself to higher places
At night I feel like a vampire
It's not right but I just can't give it up
I'll try to get myself higher
Lets go were going to light it up
Tonight we start the fire
Tonight we break away
Break away from everybody
Break away from everything
If you can't stand the way this place is
Take yourself to higher places
If you can't stand the way this place is
Take yourself to higher places
Break away from everybody
Break away from everything
If you can't stand the way this place is
Take yourself to higher places
Higher places
To higher places
Higher places
Take yourself to higher places
In a way I feel like this song matches how I have been this week or at least today and on ward. I sometimes feel like I am strong, I don't need anyone, but lately I am pulled down by deep feelings inside and I can't explain it because even I don't know because I have everything I need, so why am I unhappy? I am trying to make things better for me, and I think that this song is saying the same thing I am feeling. I want to be better, I want to get where I need to be. I keep thinking, and its been on just about everything no just one subject. But aside from kinda relating to me, I loved how creative the video was. Just overall this is my favorite song and considering the fact I haven't had a favorite song in awhile not since 'Comatose' and 'This world can't tear us apart' its a good thing. I liked it so much, that I went out and got the new album the day it came out. Whats funny I had no clue they were coming out with a new one until I talked to my cousin Whitney. Her and Melissa also like Three Days Grace, maybe more than I do. I have always liked Three Days Grace's music, from "I Hate Everything About You" and "Home" to "Riot" and "Animal I have become". Their song Home use to be my favorite song by them alone and I liked it so much I bought their first CD. I never bough their second CD due to the fact I was able to get music from people at SAA through file transfers and Bluetooth. But I had enough respect towards the band that I would once again put money into buying their third and current CD. This was one of the number one bands I wanted to see live in concert at X-Fest and I don't remember if I stayed for one of their songs or not. I know we left early but they were one of the reasons I wanted to go to that X-Fest.
Well, its time for me to get off here and get some work down. Thanks for readings.
So I am finally continuing from where I left off. Today being Saturday when I am actually writing about Friday. It was somewhat of a busy day considering I began thinking and planning on what I am going to be doing job wise. I talked to a few people who could possibly help me and actually talked with me. People I didn't know or have never met before so it was a bit hard and I was nervous but I picked up on it. They talked to me about what I would need, and stuff I already knew but gave helpful advice and even pointed me in the right direction. I am basically preparing for references and will most likely do some practice interviews yet again. I will be updating my portfolio as well. I have been meaning to do so for awhile now but haven't had the motivation which I also need to build up. I want to work in photoshop and flash again, I haven't done so for a long while. Its not good considering I need to be set and ready with fresh pieces of Art work to show off.
Thats the thing though, its so hard, I have done my research in Toledo, Bowling Green, Dayton, Perrysburg and Maumee and more. No one has money to advertise anymore and or has stuff open for people like me, fresh out of college and little to no experience with being on the work force. I have only had one real job and lucky for me the boss liked me and didn't have a problem with me. hes willing to back me up when it comes to being used as a reference and whatnot. I have been thinking out on this for awhile but I have just now started to get serious and taken the first step. That first step is research, I know south is hiring and so is Cleveland and Columbus. I know Detroit and cities in Indiana are also hiring, not much but their percentage of unemployment is lower than Toledo's. Mom keeps staying it's the reason I came back to Toledo, to find jobs. She is so stupid and doesn't listen. I had to show her that there is nothing for me in Toledo, at least not in these times and Toledo is doing alot of work just like Dayton however the difference is that Dayton's percentage is lower than Toledo's with unemployment, not much but enough to where I know I may have been better staying where I was.
I already had my foot in the door a little bit and could work with people there. I have been in away breaking out of my laziness shell and becoming more excited about getting a job, and trying to cut my excuses. Mom keeps talking to me about jobs about my friend, but I don't listen. Because she don't have a clue what she is talking about, I mean some stuff is right and I get her point but she thinks all jobs are the same, all fields are the same and I love when she talks to someone about it and they take my side. I just look at her with the "I told you so" face. She usually drops it. I think its because she is trying to become more connected with me. It would be nice, but she is trying too hard and that annoys me, I hate coming home and she throws every question she can't think of at me. I don't trust her yet with anything, so often the conversation goes flat or I drop it and move on. She doesn't like that, but thats why she has Nick. But then again what does Nick have to talk about is job and how he hates it and a bit of what he wants to do and major in when he confirms what college he wants to go to which even then he has to wait til spring. Its weird how posiive this post was until mom was brought up. So I think it's time for a subject change lol
I did help mom, I took her to Tireman because I was getting sick of telling her to check her tires and replace the van's headlight. As for Nick, same old Nick. he buys things fromt he past, anything that remains him of our early childhood, he gets off online sites and whatnot. He has all the favorite movies we watched, and all the games and systems. Just about everything that was cool back then. I like that, because it's stuff that I have forgotten. Anyways, I wanted to keep this short and not have a book for someone to read. Ill skip ahead, I went to the football game where I was hoping to meet an old time friend, Damon. A friend I haven't seen for years, not since my time hanging with Xavier. I may have already written a post about him somewhere on my livejournal. I ended up leaving early because my old friend Andrew was in need of my company. Andrew is someone who I met during middle school and have lived next to for awhile. We never got along in the early days and in fact we hated one another. I remember I was able to get into his student files but never told him. Out of fear of getting in trouble with the school I quickly stopped myself from doing that anymore. There was nothing interesting or anything good that could come out of it if caught. I didn't change anything or steal anything either. We actually didn't start getting along til we were together in Bruno's class. One of the best teachers in the high school.
I still talk to Bruno every now and then, she is so awesome and helped me make my Lord Of The Rings Guide which must have taken up so much of her printer's ink. She influenced me so much and was one of the people who took noticed in my talent and I was recognized for it. But anyways, back on Andrew. After eventually getting along, we ended up becoming friends and we to prom together with Ben and his girl. It was us three guys and our girls, I only wished Parsons could have been our fourth. I remembered he didn't have a date and at the time wasn't able to go to prom. Anyways theres alot of good memories. So why did he need my company? Because his wife walked out on him like a dumb hoe. I could careless if she is one or not, I am calling her a dumb hoe. He deserves better and even Andrew's mom doesn't like her. I don't even know if she is a good cook lol sorry that matters to me. She keeps pulling stupid crap and for the last two years hes isolated himself and given her everything from full attention to keeping him away from his friends. I called Parsons and we went over to make sure he was okay and thankfully he was. We plan to hang out alot more because he needs more than just her. Poor guy. After that, we talked to Andrew's mom for a bit before leaving. Parsons went home to sleep and prepare for work in the morning while I walked to the baseball field and was picked up by Mike, Nate and Ben.
I have been with them ever since, so all day pretty much. The crazy stories and memories, nothing has changed. I played Gears of War 2 as well, I loved the first one and I love the second one even more. That game is one hell of a game and is better than Halo in my opinion. It is so real and so amazing, that if I was in the cyberspace world and able to even stream through it's code, I would make lover to every pixel to that game, the game it's self blew me away and left me wanting more. Lucky for me, its not over because the third one will be released and I will be ready, ready to kick some horde ass and bring down those locust bastard back into deep holes they crawl and spawned out of. Its got everything you need, badass weapons, explodes, great story and reality and just....*drools* I would have an Xbox just for that game. It's not better than Smash Bros though, Smash will always been my top game. But Gears has elements that reminded me of other great games like Halo, Resident Evil and more. We also talked about spacemarines and such things. One of the subjects were Dreadnoughts, which are basically something you don't ever wanna run into ont he battle field. They are usually controlled but old marines who have no other purposes or have lost their arms and shit. It's a walking Casket with a shit ton of weapons on it. We talked about about grandma Dreadnought which can be summed up int he next paragraph.
"Dreadnoughts apparently don't protect you from being a crotchety old man. Grandpa Dreadnought is mostly confused as to why you're here, who the fuck you are, and if you're trying to loot his house, because he's not dead yet. Paranoia has led him to wire high explosives into the foundation and supports of his house. Just in Case.
He has a great hate of lawyers, who consistently try to execute his will and strip him of his possessions, and bears. However if you help him get rid of the bears, he'll give you the key to his liquor cabinet (full of fine rare wines) in his will, if the goddamn bears wouldn't stop breaking into it.
Recently Grandpa got an upgrade to Venerable Dreadnought, much to the concern of those who have seen the Wall of Fire his new flamer can make.
And whatever you do, don't mess with his turnip garden. Which is just starting to grow back after being sacrificed in a Chili Cook-off.
Grandpa Dreadnought is known to be good friends with Inquisitor Tom, and enemies with the wraithlord Tileth, and somewhat Tankred the Dreadnought.
Recently, Grandpa Dreadnought has been involved with many hi-jinks, not the least of which has resulted in a date with a Sister of Battle. However, it seems highly likely that the date will be ruined."
It's pretty amusing to me anyways. I also meet some new friends, Kelsey and Nate. Kelsey is Nate's girlfriend and I am not too much a fan of but Nate is pretty awesome. Me and Ben also went on a mission as stealthy agents or whatever and attempted to go on a road of imagination. I know, a bit children but whatever it was so much fun. Especially since we have cool night vision goggles that Nate gave to Ben. So overall Friday and Saturday both very good days and nights. I also drank an entire mountain dew 2 liter to myself in only a few hours after Nate's buddy drove us to speedway where we got like six 2 liters of mountain dew and some coffee so you know we were up all night lol. Well I hope some of this was somewhat interesting. I am off to go read your blog now and I hope you had a wonderful day. I actually got to see your blog earlier just didn't get to read due to dinner time. Sorry but it's food.
:D
:D
New purse? You and your purses, I remember the one that had defenses against me, is that the same one that you really liked with holes in it and stuff. I maybe considering you had it for 3 years. Thanks for posting the songs, I didn't know you liked Fergie? But then again theres stuff you didn't know I liked. I need to update my music stuff I don't have a favorite song right now, otherwise I would post it. I listen to stuff I use to listen to, like Children of Bodom, which I haven't listen to in awhile o and Adema and Atreyu. I know one thing my friend introduced to Cage the Elephant, and I hated them! I saw them live, thought they sucked so bad I didn't even let them finish their performance. I walked away, and so did alot of other people. I just couldn't get into their music and usually their type of music I like alot. I want to type alot more but I am press for time yet again. A couple of friends are coming over to pick me up as we speak. They are mad because I have been busy and haven't spent time with them. Theres alot that has been going on and stuff like that. But Ill tell you what. Ill make another Blog post just for you. Theres alot to talk about, and some weird thinking. Hopefully i don't forget my thoughts on some of the stuff. But I hope you had a great day and goodnight Jordan.
1. One, I am not over you. As much as I think am or want to be, I am not over you.
2. Do I think about you still? Yes I do, alot actually. I think how you are handling this, or if you are getting over it even though from reading your blogs you aren't. Everything makes me think of you, the other night went to see Transformers 2 and couldn't stop thinking of you because one I saw it with your brother and that ultimately goes back to thinking of you. I had to force myself to think about something else.
3. Why are you looking at girls already? First off, How do you know I am looking at girls. I am not, I want nothing to do with any kind of relationship. Reading the other blog, Travis is the one with the crush. I find it amusing, don't know why but hes funny when it comes to stuff like that. But I am not interested in jumping into a relationship nor do I want to be with any girl for awhile.
4. What about Bailey? Bailey and I haven't talked since Friday at the game and even then we didn't talk much.
5. I am trying to do alot of things so I can distract myself, something I thought you were doing as well.
6. I am not trying to hurt you, this isn't a contest because I am hurting too. I know you want me to be happy and I want you to be happy as well. Right now you are most likely upset from the last blog, doubt you will even read this far and this post in general.
7.Why am I doing this, because it seems you still read these but you also seem to think that I am already over it. The only thing that I know is that we are never going to date again, we are over. It hurts to say that but you know it's true. I screwed up so bad. And I am so so sorry.
8. I have a bit of anger towards you as well, Theres no real reason I can think of, maybe that I am angry at myself and attempting to blame you when thats not how it should be considering I am again the one who screwed up.
9. Why do I regret like I do, because I know deep inside myself I will most likely never find another girl like you who made me so happy. One of the reasons some of my friends are mad at me about. I was stupid. I am not saying that just to be saying that Jordan, but I guess not of my words mean anything anymore. Its something I know, that you don't have to believe.
10. I don't think you will ever wanna be my friend, I can't see how that would work when so much has happened. You are so angry right now, at least from your last blog. But if it ever does happen, I would like that alot.
11.I don't like talking about what happened with us, alot of people ask but I have only told a few of my closest friends aside from who already know like Lumpy, Parsons, Stephanie, Ariel and Bailey and Deedz.
12. I will send your ring, I am sorry I am keeping you waiting.
I read her blog today, I was trying to be strong but this is also how I found out about her reading my blogs on here, of course I knew that from a few days ago when she left a comment. I can't help but think about some of the same things she thinks, and thats what hurts the most is because I think how I can never have her again. So what I am I suppose to do? Theres so much anger in her right now, and I don't know how to refer to her as? Do I call her my Sunflower, do I call her Jordan? I dunno, but usually in relationships, after it is all over you refer to that person as an "ex". I was unaware of how hurtful that word really was. In the past I had never cared about being someone's Ex, or being considered that. Maybe it's because those other girls didn't matter. I didn't care for them, and I didn't want anything to do with them afterwards and its ironic how I am on the opposite site this time. I am the bad guy, the one who did wrong, the one who screwed things up and the one who ruined something so wonderful and so great. A big regret that I will carry with me for a long time. But I have already accepted the fact it is over.
I really need to stop reading her blogs because all they do is hurt more and she apparently gets hurt reading my blogs on here. Do I just make the rest of them private? I should but I won't, and its because I liek when people read my stuff. But again, I go back to the thought, she is the only one. I hate that, because once she stops reading this, it will go neglected. I am then writing for myself, is that a good thing? I mean I was before but it was always good tot hink that there was someone out there reading this. Her myspace blog will be commented by her closest friends with advice and kudos while mine will never exist. So why not post on myspace? Because it isn't the same, I am never on myspace. I have moved on to facebook and I haven't updated my myspace in so long. I still have the same top friends, and I can't change it. Last time it killed me, and I think it is also out of laziness. LAst time, I had to take out someone who was important to me, but now never wants anything to do with me. That seems to be the theme these days with everyone who wants to be involved with such drama. I refuse to tell everyone nothing. Monica and Erin wants to eat it up, the reason why we aren't together but I told them to buzz off. They are so annoying.
Alex, her little brother. I will miss playing games with him. Another hurtful things to think about, I will never get the privilege to enjoy a good game with him again. I want to say something back, but I don't feel like I have that right.
If you are reading this, you will get your ring. I told you I wouldn't be able to get it back to you around the time I went to X-fest. I have to wait to go to storage and get it out. I put it there nor to forget you, but because at the time I couldn't wear it and had no chain or anything to put it on. I didn't want to loose it so i kept it where I could find it, with all your stuff.
I don't know why, but I am angry now. It is like I am talking to her through these. I will stop here, I need to.....
Ill send your ring.....
First off lets hit Caboose, this poor soul here is the worst of the worst, his friend's aren't his friend's because even they can't stand him. My brother, and everyone else including the ones i have already mentioned hates him. No one can stand him, by buddy John wants to make him believe that John is his "friend" when "friend" to John means using him for his Xbox 360. Otherwise.....another face in the crowd, and John wouldn't take notice. My personal opinion of the dude, hell I could careless, hes no friend of mine. Aside from the fact he annoys everyone, might as well include me in the group, Caboose is very very cocky. And we already have enough cockiness in the group of gamers that theres no room for some more. He also lives far away from anyone else and we always end up putting the gas, effort, time and money into his comings to game night. His parents do nothing, they do shit when it comes to helping out. Another reason why Mom kept helping him come to game night, but she has grown tired with him staying more than four nights and paying for every meal in between and he doesn't show the slightest thanks or anything. Does he expect it? Not anymore, and slowly but surely he will realize that he isn't wanted....
Andrew, poor kid actually isn't that bad. A bit annoying, but I grew up with this kid and know him pretty well. He always shows me great respect, I mean everyone at game night does because I am "steveo" and I am also alot more funnier than Nick. But anyways back on Andrew, its not that I really have a problem with him, its Nick, Tyler, and of course Travis who does. Hes loud, east and drinks everything like they nothing and argues if you disrespects his pokemon fan passion. But heres the thing that hurts him the most......hes a slow learner. Big time handicap when it comes to a bunch of game freaks. And now that Caboose is out of the picture, and John is away at College, they needs someone to bunch insults off of. Anyways, I will not lie, its horrible trying to teach him how to play anything. he never picks it up fast and it takes forever and so much effort. He has trouble with even the simple games, and the only game he knows how to play is Soul Calibur and even there he sometimes struggles. I mean it should be that you come, eat and have fun playing games, thats what game night should be about or at least that how it use to be. Its not anymore, its not even close. Less and less people are being to show and I may even be one of them if I have other plans. If nothing to do, I usually go there for a free meal, some games and friends and then thats about it.
Back on what this damn post is about, Travis. I have been hanging around him alot more since I have been back in town. Hes not afraid to do things unlike my brother and the others. He doesn't say retarded jokes that make no sense or do stupid things like the others. Hes been pretty awesome when it comes to helping me and Nick out as well, there for moving out of Dayton and there when Nick needed him as well. Hes done alot and been there alot, straight as that. Through, he burns through relationships fast, he always has the funnist shit to say about them and why he and his girl didn't work out. Most of the time I agree, no offense to him he always goes for the one's who either bitch at him alot or never shut up like my damn mother. It's gotten so bad, when she starts talking I leave the house without warning and shut the door on her. Sometimes he comes along for the ride too, even now and then when I steal the van. But its even funnier when he is single, seeing how "his game" is. He has a little crush on this one girl name "Brittany", who give last names on here but I know he. She is pretty cute, and he already talks about how smart she is, how pretty she looks and puts himself down in the progress. A sad sack I call him, because thats what he is when it comes to shit like that. We went to the movies with her and my friend Stephanie. Transformers 2, badass movie, Ill have to talk about it sometime when it is the main subject....
Anyways, I wounder how far he with try to get with her. I am suppose to see her and steph tonight. Dunno if Ill remember to go through with those plans but hey it is possible. Sadly Travis works tonight so he is out of the picture for this one. But Ill see if she is available this weekend, not to help Travis out directly but to get them hanging around each other a bit more. Watch her look at him and go "Look at this chump...." like I do. I will laugh, because every girl he has been with that i have met, i ask them the same question "what are you doing with a chump like him?" and I don't remember what any of them have told me, usually brush it off and move off to the food before they even finish their reasoning of telling me why they are with him. Hes got more game until like the rest of them, Im starting to think Nick has none. I am getting really tired due to the fact I am typing this crap at 4 am in the morning. I should be sleeping, but then again I never am. Travis has helped with breaking me out of my isolating shell that I wanted to put myself in since my break up with Jordan. Hes been there to talk to and I trust him unlike a few other friends who are gossip queens. Hes not a big mount like some of these people I know here. I need to start hanging out with Brandon and Parsons more too, they are alot of fun and I have done some pretty neat things with them so far. Brandon is amy concert buddy, who always has a list of concerts to go to. Parsons is my crazy buddy who goes everywhere, and then Travis who is my causing trouble with buddy, so I could a good thing with each of them to keep me busy for awhile.
To be honest, aside from getting off topic, didn't think iw ould write this much about Travis....he so boring....nah Im kidding. But I am tired, so i will finish this some other time. I am excited for this weekend, alot of plans to keep up with including going to another football game. Last one was amazing considering our team won and I talked to alot of people who were there. Everyone was giving me hugs and was surprised to see me there. Its great to be back home again when you look pass the drama. Well night night.
Seriously, it made one hell of a bad guy for the movie. considering it used every tool at it's arm's reach and killed more than half the group. One kill that made me go "O damn!" was when it took one of the good guys' dead body and used it as a weapon to lure not one, but two other good guys and was able to catch them, take them back to the hideout where the main bad guy was, where their souls were ripped from their bodies. To add to some detail, the machine that used the dead body was in the form of a snake, I believe cobra, but it had like little arms along it's body as well. it was just a brilliant machine that was made to do what it did best, kill. No wounder everyone kept dying. I am going to stop there, one I am not in a writing mood but I wanted to kill my boredom and write about a good weekend.
X-Fest 2K9, I went with my concert buddy Brandon, and my good friend Robert. Brandon usually goes to alot of concerts with me, and gets into the same music as me. Robert, is beginning to become a friend I hang out with more, hes a old high school buddy of mine who graduated the same year as I did. We all had a blast, and made a 2 hour trip to Dayton into a fun road trip. Once we got there, I meet up with Jordan. Not my Ex, but a guy friend who hooked me and Robert up with some really cheap tickets, we got a one one get one free deal and Brandon was able to get his ticket really cheap as well. Although we missed some good bands like Red, sick puppies, and a few others we at least got to experience what we came there for Mudvayne. But before that, lets talk about some of the other bands. Cage the Elephant, sucked! No way to put it any better, they sucked, and I wasn't the only one to think so considering MOST of the crowd couldn't get into their music. Robert said they are alot better on CD, and I don't doubt that or at least I hope so. Next was HOLLYWOOD UNDEAD!!
I had a blast, they did amazing live, and it is up there with Flyleaf and Five Finger Death Punch. I was did alot of moshing, lot of crowd suffering and just about anything else you could do at a concert like there and Robert introduced me to Sparks, a pretty good drink, We went through all the bands until we Mudvayne which was by far the best live performance I have seen yet from a band. Next was Alice in chains and they were alright, wasn't a big fan of them but hey this is the first X-fest were I have actually stay until the last band performed. And this was my third time being at X-Fest. I am thinking I will be going to Rock on the Range as well when that is coming up. Taco bell and the ride home and straight into Game Night which was again hosted by my brother. It was pretty good, and the entire day took my mind off alot of things.
Well I am done, going to head out and get some stuff done.
Chrissy sent me a message explaining why she wants nothing to do with me, and why she ignored me for so long. Me and Jordan broke up now she wants nothing to do with me. And Bailey, our friendship has been hit hard I feel, made awkward now. Its just one lost after another. And on top of all of that I feel like Deedz is another girl I have lost, I feel like she has betrayed me when I needed her the most. But o well, I don't need a person like that now. I have been feeling like shit, and nothing can really describe the hurt I am going through. I feel like these are some of the baddest days I have experienced. I just don't know what to do or who to go to anymore. I want to run away but have nowhere to run away to. Its a stuck feeling that I hate and at the same time believe I deserve. I can't even look to my best friend. I talked to his ex-girlfriend Kahla and found out why she left him and moved on to someone else. I don't feel mad at her anymore, I actually still feel sicken with the thought that I can relate with her. To think I basically pulled the same thing, maybe worst. It doesn't matter now, nothing really does. I have ignored those who have tried to contact me and only selected a few to talk to, such as Parsons and Ben and even Travis. But I am so lost, broken, and confused right now, I just want to breakdown and something happens to where I get over this or I don't have to deal with it. But everytime I try to forget it, it slams right back into my chest because so many little things remind me. And for the cherry on top, Maumee's drama. I am right in the middle, and feel like I am getting the short end of the stick. Especially since Deedz has turned her back towards me when I need her the most. Ariel seems to want to be there for me, but I somehow don't believe her. I just want to go away from it all, I regret so much, such bad decision making. Its made me into such an ugly person...
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